i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
