Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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