he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
