i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
