I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
