I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think my moral compass just broke
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