buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
