At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
