Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
