I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
