Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
