Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
