Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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