Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
