I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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