It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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