I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
