I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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