he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
