I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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