Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
