Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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