I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
