That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
