She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
