I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
