I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
