Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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