I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
