there's paper in my vomit.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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