Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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