You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
