Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
