Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
