i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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