That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
