My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
