I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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