i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
