my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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