tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
