just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
