I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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