Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
