I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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