I wish I could teleport
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
