Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
