Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I love you. Go after that dick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
