So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Welp...herpes.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
