she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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