I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
