he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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