So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
